Okay, not really broken, I mean I can move all the parts, but it really f'ing hurts! I woke up this morning and my foot hurt, and I tried walking it off because I had some errands I needed to run anyway, but it got worse and worse and by the time I got home I was crying. Before today I can't remember the last time I cried from physical pain.
I must've done something to it in my sleep, but I have no idea what that could have been.
Just my luck. I finally decide to be a little productive and what happens? Mobility impaired. Damn.
30 April 2008
revelations
I think I need to finally face the fact that I've gotten extremely lazy. I don't actually work that hard, I have 3-day weekends, yet I seem to be exhausted a lot and I never seem to have enough time to sit around and do nothing.
Perhaps the problem is that I've gotten used to being inefficient and unproductive and therefore never get much done and have no way to account for all the time I'm wasting. I don't really even write anymore--not emails, not blog posts, and certainly not the novel.
So WTF am I doing with my time??? Reading, sleeping, watching TV, eating. Damn. Sounds like a vacation. How do I feel about that? Dissatisfied, I think. I think I need to be more productive.
Also had another revelation yesterday: a big part of why I want to be a professional writer is because I think it's a job where I can be my whole, unedited self rather than feeling the need to dress a certain way or employ a personality filter or put on a mask of professionalism.
Perhaps not my whole self in every piece of writing--that would be impossible--but at least to have an outlet for all the facets of my personality.
I think as a writer I could begin to more fully explore and accept myself, my humanity, my fallibility. Fallibility is charming in a narrator...to an extent.
Speaking of adorable, fallible narrators. I spent most of last week reading from the Janet Evanovich series that inspired me to begin writing my trashy novel. I'm completely addicted.
The one thing I don't like is that there is an illusion of progress (regarding personal growth of the protagonist and her romantic relationships) during the course of a novel and then the next one in the series starts out pretty much back at ground zero. As a reader I find that frustrating. I want the next novel to begin where the last one left off, not back at the beginning again.
And a quick note on yesterday's post: gazpacho is indeed made mainly from tomatoes, but they also add cucumber, which for me ruins it.
Perhaps the problem is that I've gotten used to being inefficient and unproductive and therefore never get much done and have no way to account for all the time I'm wasting. I don't really even write anymore--not emails, not blog posts, and certainly not the novel.
So WTF am I doing with my time??? Reading, sleeping, watching TV, eating. Damn. Sounds like a vacation. How do I feel about that? Dissatisfied, I think. I think I need to be more productive.
Also had another revelation yesterday: a big part of why I want to be a professional writer is because I think it's a job where I can be my whole, unedited self rather than feeling the need to dress a certain way or employ a personality filter or put on a mask of professionalism.
Perhaps not my whole self in every piece of writing--that would be impossible--but at least to have an outlet for all the facets of my personality.
I think as a writer I could begin to more fully explore and accept myself, my humanity, my fallibility. Fallibility is charming in a narrator...to an extent.
Speaking of adorable, fallible narrators. I spent most of last week reading from the Janet Evanovich series that inspired me to begin writing my trashy novel. I'm completely addicted.
The one thing I don't like is that there is an illusion of progress (regarding personal growth of the protagonist and her romantic relationships) during the course of a novel and then the next one in the series starts out pretty much back at ground zero. As a reader I find that frustrating. I want the next novel to begin where the last one left off, not back at the beginning again.
And a quick note on yesterday's post: gazpacho is indeed made mainly from tomatoes, but they also add cucumber, which for me ruins it.
29 April 2008
mental note: gazpacho is not tomato soup
The other day I was SO EXCITED because I found real English cheddar cheese at the supermarket. Yay, cheddar! I've been missing grilled cheese with tomato soup, so I bought the cheddar and a container of gazpacho in lieu of a can of Cambell's tomato soup, patted myself on the back for my ingenuity and trotted happily home.
Today I heated up the gazpacho with a little milk added and made myself a delicious grilled cheese sandwich, but the soup...ah, the soup. I had completely forgotten that gazpacho is made with cucumbers. Yucky cucumbers!!! ;*P So the "tomato soup" part was a disaster, but at least I got to have the grilled cheese.
Today I heated up the gazpacho with a little milk added and made myself a delicious grilled cheese sandwich, but the soup...ah, the soup. I had completely forgotten that gazpacho is made with cucumbers. Yucky cucumbers!!! ;*P So the "tomato soup" part was a disaster, but at least I got to have the grilled cheese.
26 April 2008
bright lights & wild nights
Every so often I like to go out and have a wild night in order to remind myself how little I like having wild nights.
Last night was such an occasion for me. I went to the monthly graduation party, forgot to eat dinner, had too much to drink, began to feel sick and came home, praying the whole time I wouldn't spew on the metro. Ugh.
I can guarantee I won't be drinking again for the rest of the weekend and that it'll be a good while before I drink to excess again.
This is one of the major reasons I'm not cut out for Madrid. I'm in an environment that encourages drinking to excess often, but it's not my idea of a good time. I need to get out of here.
Last night was such an occasion for me. I went to the monthly graduation party, forgot to eat dinner, had too much to drink, began to feel sick and came home, praying the whole time I wouldn't spew on the metro. Ugh.
I can guarantee I won't be drinking again for the rest of the weekend and that it'll be a good while before I drink to excess again.
This is one of the major reasons I'm not cut out for Madrid. I'm in an environment that encourages drinking to excess often, but it's not my idea of a good time. I need to get out of here.
23 April 2008
On the train ride home from work tonight, the conversation went like this:
Sione: Oh my god it's so hot on this train! All these people!
Megs: Yeah, but at least we got seats. It could be worse.
Sione: [Pause.] You're right. Thank you for reminding me that my life is not as bad as a Jew's during the holocaust.
Megs: Yeah, man. Think about how bad it must've been to be on the train to Auschwitz. That would've sucked.
Sione: [glances around the train at the bored faces of fellow passengers and then laughs hysterically for five minutes]
Megs: I was serious man!
Sione: [still laughing] I know! That's what makes it so funny!
Megs: You're a sick bastard. You and Josef Goebbels should be friends.
Sione: Who's Josef Goebbels?
Megs: He was the Nazi propaganda guy, aka Hitler's best friend.
Sione: Oh, well he's probably dead then, isn't he?
Megs: [Pause.] Yeah.
Sione: Oh my god it's so hot on this train! All these people!
Megs: Yeah, but at least we got seats. It could be worse.
Sione: [Pause.] You're right. Thank you for reminding me that my life is not as bad as a Jew's during the holocaust.
Megs: Yeah, man. Think about how bad it must've been to be on the train to Auschwitz. That would've sucked.
Sione: [glances around the train at the bored faces of fellow passengers and then laughs hysterically for five minutes]
Megs: I was serious man!
Sione: [still laughing] I know! That's what makes it so funny!
Megs: You're a sick bastard. You and Josef Goebbels should be friends.
Sione: Who's Josef Goebbels?
Megs: He was the Nazi propaganda guy, aka Hitler's best friend.
Sione: Oh, well he's probably dead then, isn't he?
Megs: [Pause.] Yeah.
22 April 2008
hermitish
I've been feeling like a bit of a hermit lately...not really wanting to go out, see people, do much of anything. And as much as I enjoy receiving emails and I read every one, I have been extremely bad about getting back to people.
So a quick hi to Dad, Mom, Joe, Robert and Craig W. I appreciate hearing from you all and I owe you all emails, but I seem to lack the energy and/or brain power necessary to compose a thoughtful one these days.
Probably because my brain has turned to slush from watching so much TV online over the past couple of weeks. I really need to break that habit.
So a quick hi to Dad, Mom, Joe, Robert and Craig W. I appreciate hearing from you all and I owe you all emails, but I seem to lack the energy and/or brain power necessary to compose a thoughtful one these days.
Probably because my brain has turned to slush from watching so much TV online over the past couple of weeks. I really need to break that habit.
19 April 2008
recent excitement
On Thursday after my last class I hopped in a car with one of my students and went to a friendly futbol match between some employees at one of the places I work. Despite the rain and relative cold, it was fun. Two Spanish women from the same company as the futbol players joined me on the bench as cheerleaders, and they involved me effortlessly in their conversation. After the game we all went to a bar near the company and had a couple beers, and I actually felt like part of a community. Very cool.
At the end of the night, however, I managed to forget my backpack in the trunk of someone's car and my house keys were in it, so when I got home around 2am I had to ring the doorbell and call my roommates on their cell phones for about 20 minutes before Megs finally woke up and let me in. Hooray for Megs! Yesterday morning my first errand was to go to the company to get my backpack back.
I also learned on Thursday night that one of my students (we'll call him Juan) has a serious crush on me. One of his fellow students spent a good five minutes trying to convince me to go on a date with Juan, and I finally had to admit that even if Juan weren't my student I still wouldn't be interested in dating him. How did I suddenly get involved in a high school drama???
In other news, I'm feeling more and more excited about going to Munich in the fall. I've already begun to try setting up accomodation and work before I leave, though I don't know how much I'll actually be able to accomplish until I get there. So far all the schools and agencies I've emailed have said that they can't offer me any work until I arrive in Munich and they meet me in person. And unless I want to pay a €100 finding fee to an agency to find a room for me, I might have to just make a hostel reservation and find a room when I get to Munich too. Ah well. I did say I wanted an adventure...
At the end of the night, however, I managed to forget my backpack in the trunk of someone's car and my house keys were in it, so when I got home around 2am I had to ring the doorbell and call my roommates on their cell phones for about 20 minutes before Megs finally woke up and let me in. Hooray for Megs! Yesterday morning my first errand was to go to the company to get my backpack back.
I also learned on Thursday night that one of my students (we'll call him Juan) has a serious crush on me. One of his fellow students spent a good five minutes trying to convince me to go on a date with Juan, and I finally had to admit that even if Juan weren't my student I still wouldn't be interested in dating him. How did I suddenly get involved in a high school drama???
In other news, I'm feeling more and more excited about going to Munich in the fall. I've already begun to try setting up accomodation and work before I leave, though I don't know how much I'll actually be able to accomplish until I get there. So far all the schools and agencies I've emailed have said that they can't offer me any work until I arrive in Munich and they meet me in person. And unless I want to pay a €100 finding fee to an agency to find a room for me, I might have to just make a hostel reservation and find a room when I get to Munich too. Ah well. I did say I wanted an adventure...
18 April 2008
life's too short to waste time
One thing I've realized in the past week or so is that life is short and the world is full of people, so I don't want to waste my time trying to force relationships/friendships with people I don't particularly like or click with.
I'd gotten into the habit here of hanging out with whomever because, I suppose, for a while I was desperate for companionship. But in the end it only makes me feel worse to hang out with people whose personalities are not compatible with mine...I end up feeling either judgmental and catty or inferior and unloveable. Not worth it!
This is one of the main reasons I spent most of last weekend in bed. I didn't see the point of going out and trying to dance around people's quirks when I have much better things to do. Like watch two seasons of Canada's Next Top Model, for example. Or write a trashy bestseller that will allow me to travel around the world and write whatever I want and save up money for a downpayment on my inn in the woods.
I'd gotten into the habit here of hanging out with whomever because, I suppose, for a while I was desperate for companionship. But in the end it only makes me feel worse to hang out with people whose personalities are not compatible with mine...I end up feeling either judgmental and catty or inferior and unloveable. Not worth it!
This is one of the main reasons I spent most of last weekend in bed. I didn't see the point of going out and trying to dance around people's quirks when I have much better things to do. Like watch two seasons of Canada's Next Top Model, for example. Or write a trashy bestseller that will allow me to travel around the world and write whatever I want and save up money for a downpayment on my inn in the woods.
16 April 2008
13 April 2008
ticket purchased
Thanks to thoughtful questions posed by my dad and mom, a New York Times article sent to me by my mom, encouragement from Parisian friend G, and a well-timed phone call from friend Craig in Munich, I have attained a satisfactory degree of clarity and purchased my plane ticket to Munich.
I leave Portland on August 31 and will return for Christmas on December 19.
The New York Times article is about how cool and "in" Munich is right now. I don't care so much about it being "in," but I do care that it is a center of creative, intellectual and artistic energy. If you're interested, you can read the article at http://travel.nytimes.com/
12 April 2008
the three f's
The question has been put to me: what do I value more, being near friends and family or spending time abroad?
In lieu of a direct answer to that question, let me tell a story about one of my classes this week.
On Wednesday I was in a one-to-one, practicing the conditional tenses by playing a hypothetical question game, when the question came up: If you knew there would be a nuclear war in one week, what would you do?
My student answered that she would take her husband and children to the beach. She would want to spend her last week of life enjoying her family's company in the sun.
I asked roommate Megs the same question later, and she said she would go to someplace really wild, like the jungle, and live her last week in untamed nature.
And what would I do? I would take the next flight home, see all my friends and family and stuff my face with food for a week straight. Between meals, I would take nature walks and grieve for all that was about to be lost. When the week was up, depending on how I felt I would either hide in my friend Robert's bomb shelter (for if anyone I know had one, he would) or I would lie in a grassy meadow and accept my fate. With my luck, I'd probably spend my last few minutes of life being bitten by fire ants or being stung by bees.
But what my answer, which came so easily, revealed to me is that there are three things that are most important to me in this life. The three F's: Family, Friends and Food. These are my comfort and my joy, the things I value most about life and the things worth living for...when I live only for the moment and not for the future.
I heard, of all places on Canada's Next Top Model, a quote I really like:
The past is history,
The future's a mystery,
But now is a gift;
That's why they call it the present.
I like that quote a lot. It reminds me that the only thing I can count on for certain is what's happening here and now. But at the same time I have to wonder: if we live only for the moment, are we acting wisely for the future? Everything my parents and my schooling has taught me says no.
The reason I don't fly home this moment to my friends and family and to stuff my face with every good thing is because I expect there to be a future. What I do now I do in the interest of that future. Here I'm learning about myself, trying to become a better person, trying to grow in ways that will make me a better friend and family member.
And if I choose to head to Munich this fall or next winter, it will be in the interest of the future. It will be because I think I can make better headway on my writing career there than in Portland. It will be because I'm willing to sacrifice immediate comfort and pleasure for long-term gain. Haven't I been taught that sacrificing immediate pleasure is noble, sensible and at times necessary?
If I choose to spend another year abroad, does that mean I value my friends and family less? If I choose to stay in Portland for six months or a year, will I ever find the money, freedom and motivation to live abroad again?
There is this balance to be found between living the moment and trying to shape a positive future. I still doubt my ability to choose well.
In lieu of a direct answer to that question, let me tell a story about one of my classes this week.
On Wednesday I was in a one-to-one, practicing the conditional tenses by playing a hypothetical question game, when the question came up: If you knew there would be a nuclear war in one week, what would you do?
My student answered that she would take her husband and children to the beach. She would want to spend her last week of life enjoying her family's company in the sun.
I asked roommate Megs the same question later, and she said she would go to someplace really wild, like the jungle, and live her last week in untamed nature.
And what would I do? I would take the next flight home, see all my friends and family and stuff my face with food for a week straight. Between meals, I would take nature walks and grieve for all that was about to be lost. When the week was up, depending on how I felt I would either hide in my friend Robert's bomb shelter (for if anyone I know had one, he would) or I would lie in a grassy meadow and accept my fate. With my luck, I'd probably spend my last few minutes of life being bitten by fire ants or being stung by bees.
But what my answer, which came so easily, revealed to me is that there are three things that are most important to me in this life. The three F's: Family, Friends and Food. These are my comfort and my joy, the things I value most about life and the things worth living for...when I live only for the moment and not for the future.
I heard, of all places on Canada's Next Top Model, a quote I really like:
The past is history,
The future's a mystery,
But now is a gift;
That's why they call it the present.
I like that quote a lot. It reminds me that the only thing I can count on for certain is what's happening here and now. But at the same time I have to wonder: if we live only for the moment, are we acting wisely for the future? Everything my parents and my schooling has taught me says no.
The reason I don't fly home this moment to my friends and family and to stuff my face with every good thing is because I expect there to be a future. What I do now I do in the interest of that future. Here I'm learning about myself, trying to become a better person, trying to grow in ways that will make me a better friend and family member.
And if I choose to head to Munich this fall or next winter, it will be in the interest of the future. It will be because I think I can make better headway on my writing career there than in Portland. It will be because I'm willing to sacrifice immediate comfort and pleasure for long-term gain. Haven't I been taught that sacrificing immediate pleasure is noble, sensible and at times necessary?
If I choose to spend another year abroad, does that mean I value my friends and family less? If I choose to stay in Portland for six months or a year, will I ever find the money, freedom and motivation to live abroad again?
There is this balance to be found between living the moment and trying to shape a positive future. I still doubt my ability to choose well.
Munich update
Still have not bought my ticket to Munich. Am not entirely sure what I'm waiting for.
For a few days I've been considering postponing my trip to Germany until January 2009. I miss my friends and family and there are a couple people who are having a hard time at the moment and for whom I'd really like to be there.
This is where I get stuck in a moral dilemma: what's the right thing to do? If only I knew that then my course of action would be so clear.
For a few days I've been considering postponing my trip to Germany until January 2009. I miss my friends and family and there are a couple people who are having a hard time at the moment and for whom I'd really like to be there.
This is where I get stuck in a moral dilemma: what's the right thing to do? If only I knew that then my course of action would be so clear.
the pop culture death trap
Those of you who know me well already know that I have a secret, shameful obsession with reality & makeover shows such as What Not to Wear and America's Next Top Model. Well now the rest of you know too.
I spent pretty much all of yesterday watching TV online. The shows that managed to capture my attention for hours and hours on end? I would like to say I was watching The Colbert Report or Discovery Channel documentaries, but the sad truth is I watched the entire first season of Canada's Next Top Model and the entire season of America's Most Smartest Model. Of course the worst part is that I get sucked into these shows and choose favorites and become outraged and even cry at times. Oh dear.
Yes, it's true, I'm a huge geek who should know better but who still gets caught up in the drama of evil money-making industries such as the beauty and fashion industry. What can I say? We none of us are perfect.
Also very very excited because I found a place online to watch the new season of Battlestar Galactica. YYEEESSSSS!!!! During the day the site doesn't work as well, so I have to wait until tonight to watch the second episode, and I'm practically holding my breath until then. LOVE LOVE LOVE BSG!!!
Speaking of things I like, there's this blog that one of my Facebook friends introduced me to that I've been tracking. It's called Stuff White People Like. Although I don't relate to each and every post, I do think the writing is good and exposes, in a tongue-in-cheek manner, some of the quirks of mainstream white American culture. Unfortunately Target just bought the site and will begin to use it as another avenue for advertising, so I doubt the site will continue to be as interesting. I highly recommend the older posts though.
I spent pretty much all of yesterday watching TV online. The shows that managed to capture my attention for hours and hours on end? I would like to say I was watching The Colbert Report or Discovery Channel documentaries, but the sad truth is I watched the entire first season of Canada's Next Top Model and the entire season of America's Most Smartest Model. Of course the worst part is that I get sucked into these shows and choose favorites and become outraged and even cry at times. Oh dear.
Yes, it's true, I'm a huge geek who should know better but who still gets caught up in the drama of evil money-making industries such as the beauty and fashion industry. What can I say? We none of us are perfect.
Also very very excited because I found a place online to watch the new season of Battlestar Galactica. YYEEESSSSS!!!! During the day the site doesn't work as well, so I have to wait until tonight to watch the second episode, and I'm practically holding my breath until then. LOVE LOVE LOVE BSG!!!
Speaking of things I like, there's this blog that one of my Facebook friends introduced me to that I've been tracking. It's called Stuff White People Like. Although I don't relate to each and every post, I do think the writing is good and exposes, in a tongue-in-cheek manner, some of the quirks of mainstream white American culture. Unfortunately Target just bought the site and will begin to use it as another avenue for advertising, so I doubt the site will continue to be as interesting. I highly recommend the older posts though.
08 April 2008
I have been exhausted exhausted EXHAUSTED lately, so I gave myself the afternoon off today, slept until 6pm (evidently needed to catch up a little), went grocery shopping, cleaned the kitchen, made a proper dinner (porkchops and pisto with rice), straightened my room, finally wrote my end-of-month report for one of my agencies. Am feeling rested, relaxed and productive. I think I'm going to spend a lot of time doing nothing this weekend in the name of continuous recouperation. Also because I'm sick of going out.
Yesterday on the train I had the sudden realization that there was nothing stopping anyone from lighting my hair on fire. If someone decided to take out a lighter and light my hair on fire, I probably wouldn't notice until it was too late and I doubt anyone else would notice until I started freaking out.
There's also nothing stopping someone from sticking a knife in my gut or slashing my face with a razor or wiping their snot on my arm or spitting on me or doing any number of things.
Morbid? Yes, perhaps I am. But the point is not that I'm living in perpetual fear that these things might happen. The point is that I live in perpetual wonder that these things DON'T happen. That I'm surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of people every day, many of whom look at me because I stick out like a sore thumb in this crowd, but none of them are the right kind of crazy to do random bad shit to strangers. It seems proof to me of humanity's essential goodness.
Or maybe it's just proof that I'm crazier than most because these thoughts even occur to me.
Yesterday on the train I had the sudden realization that there was nothing stopping anyone from lighting my hair on fire. If someone decided to take out a lighter and light my hair on fire, I probably wouldn't notice until it was too late and I doubt anyone else would notice until I started freaking out.
There's also nothing stopping someone from sticking a knife in my gut or slashing my face with a razor or wiping their snot on my arm or spitting on me or doing any number of things.
Morbid? Yes, perhaps I am. But the point is not that I'm living in perpetual fear that these things might happen. The point is that I live in perpetual wonder that these things DON'T happen. That I'm surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of people every day, many of whom look at me because I stick out like a sore thumb in this crowd, but none of them are the right kind of crazy to do random bad shit to strangers. It seems proof to me of humanity's essential goodness.
Or maybe it's just proof that I'm crazier than most because these thoughts even occur to me.
07 April 2008
updates
My morning class was cancelled today so I got to sleep in until 11am, but I'm still exhausted. Had a really busy weekend with many social engagements: drinks Thursday night with Megs and Andrew, lunch Friday with Martín, dinner and drinks Friday night with the Spanish ex-roommates, hiking Saturday day, drinks Saturday night with Marta and Emma, TtMadrid picnic Sunday afternoon. Am looking forward to being a recluse this week, just sticking to work and home and going to bed early whenever possible. And nursing the sunburn I got while hiking on Saturday.
I went out on three dates with that guy Carlos I'd met hiking over a month ago, but there are no sparks so I won't be seeing him again unless just as friends.
Mom and I are planning a trip together & I'm really excited about it. She's coming in late June and we'll go to Sevilla, Córdoba, Paris and the Loire Valley. Her best friend from high school, Pam, might come do the France part with us too. Hooray! Then I'll head home on July 9th. Double hooray!
Very excited about going home for the summer. If anyone knows someone who has a room to rent for July and August, please let me know. I'd like to be within Portland city limits and I'm looking to pay around $350/mo. all-inclusive.
I went out on three dates with that guy Carlos I'd met hiking over a month ago, but there are no sparks so I won't be seeing him again unless just as friends.
Mom and I are planning a trip together & I'm really excited about it. She's coming in late June and we'll go to Sevilla, Córdoba, Paris and the Loire Valley. Her best friend from high school, Pam, might come do the France part with us too. Hooray! Then I'll head home on July 9th. Double hooray!
Very excited about going home for the summer. If anyone knows someone who has a room to rent for July and August, please let me know. I'd like to be within Portland city limits and I'm looking to pay around $350/mo. all-inclusive.
04 April 2008
decision
Have figured it out. I'll have enough money to move to Munich. Will buy my plane ticket in the next few days. Am thinking of it like this: if I don't like it or I don't find a job within a month, I can go home to Portland. Worst case scenario, I'll have had a 2-month vacation in Germany.
01 April 2008
reasons to not move to Munich
-Another year away from my family and friends, whom I love dearly and miss terribly
-Starting over and being lonely again (although it's this very lonliness that I'd count on to help me write my novel)
-I'd have to miss Nik and Jessica's wedding in October
-It would be harder to stay in shape with all that delicious German food around (though I suppose same is true if I move home)
-Another year of my car sitting useless in the garage while I pay insurance on it
-Another year of keeping my stuff in storage
-Moving is expensive
I have to say that so far I've been consistently enthusiastic about moving to Munich in the fall. As much as I miss my friends and family (which is lots and lots!), my thirst for adventure, for experiencing new cultures and languages, has not yet been quenched. I'm lucky in that the friends and family to whom I've mentioned this idea to so far have been very supportive: they say of course they will miss me but they want me to follow my heart. And it makes sense to me to live abroad while I'm still in a position to do so. In the end, I think the deciding factor will be money.
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