the two selves

I mentioned previously that when I got home it was as though I'd never left. It was the same in Madrid once I'd gotten some sleep. As I was writing to my mother in an email the other day, it's almost like I'm two different people, a Home Self and a Madrid Self, and I switch back and forth between them depending on where I am. I realized while I was home that I actually hadn't completely ever left...that part of me had been left behind to haunt the Portland streets until my body returned. I suspect that part of me also remained in Madrid to hold a place for me until I returned from vacation. When I entered my Madrid apartment last Thursday, it seemed that I was not just separated from home by thousands of miles but also by months again, perhaps by another dimension, another self. When at home I didn't really want to talk about Madrid, didn't know what to say about it. And now that I'm here I don't want to talk to my Madrid acquaintances about home; I don't know what to say about it. I feel slightly disconnected from the person that slipped comfortably back into Portland and her friends' and family members' lives, as though that person has very little to do with who I am here and now. I suppose one of my jobs during the next six months will be to integrate those two selves, to integrate my Madrid experiences into my previous ones and to emerge as one whole self, changed for the better by all this.

Does this sound like gibberish to you? I feel like I'm not explaining myself well, but it could be that most people who spend an extended period abroad and then visit home feel like this too.

I can say, with great relief, that my Madrid Self is much happier since my visit home. I no longer carry a storm cloud in my head. In fact, I've caught myself actually feeling happy these last few days. Not because things are any better than when I left then (except that I do have several more pairs of shoes to choose from and the weather has been cloudy and damp), but because I think I might've succeeded in bringing my whole self along this time. I am no longer afraid that being away will mean there will be no place for me when I return home, so I am free to be fully present in this experience and to take advantage of what it has to offer. Both feet are firmly planted in this land. Thank goodness, because having one foot here and one foot there was really starting to tire my groin. ;*)