Times like these I wish my brain had an off switch. I got home around 11pm, went to sleep pretty quickly, but then woke up a little after 1:30am feeling wide awake and I haven't been able to get back to sleep since. I woke up because I thought I heard Martín, the temporary roommate, laughing in his room. I opened my eyes in the dark room and there was this tall, pale girl with long, curly, black hair standing at the end of my bed. She saw me looking at her and her eyes went all wide and she turned and melted into my coat. I hate it when that shit happens. Freaks me out. And it turns out it was definitely not Martín chuckling in his room at 1:30am, because he just got home about half an hour ago. Have no idea whether I was hearing the downstairs neighbors or the machinations of my overactive imagination.
I've been laying here for two hours now, thinking no good thoughts. Instances when I've embarassed myself or not acted with integrity surge up from my memory to haunt me at times like this. Is not nice at all. In addition to an off switch, I'd also like a forgiveness button. Other people I can forgive pretty easily, but not myself. My brain stores up shameful moments until times when I'm tired or feeling a little low, and then all those moments rush to the fore, taunting me and telling me that I'm not worthy of friendship, love, trust, etc. Sucks. Seems a little unfair of me to keep kicking me while I'm down. But I guess no one said life was fair.
I'm going to go back to lying here and trying not to think now. Perhaps will eventually get some more sleep before I have to get up to run errands.
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