sudden doubts: the influence of literature

Last night I finished reading the short story "Horseman" by Richard Russo. In the past I haven't enjoyed his writing but I really liked this story, probably in part because it was about an academic and it reminded me how much I liked being one and made me miss it. But the story itself was a little depressing; it tried to have an optimistic ending, I think, but didn't quite succeed. Or perhaps the unconvincing, optimistic ending in itself was the point.

As soon as I finished the story, I began to reflect on the course of my own life and was filled with sudden doubts: I've told myself that I'm on a personal journey. That living abroad is a meaningful and valuable experience, that it's preparing me for some as-yet-unknown destiny. But what if it's not? What if I'm just filling time with "busy nothings"? What if I'm just as lost at the end of this experience as I was at the beginning? Will it still have been worth it in the end?

On a different note, I had a revealing dream the night before last (no pun intended). I dreamed that I was at some kind of deserty, mountainy retreat with a bunch of my students and there were outdoor showers so I decided to get naked and take a shower in front of my students. I was fine with it at first until I realized that my nakedness was making some of my students uncomfortable, and then I got really self-conscious and regretted my action.

The meaning of the dream is clear to me. I'm feeling insecure because I've given some of my students my blog addresses and I'm afraid they will be made uncomfortable by my openness and honesty. In class I've managed to keep some distance between my students and myself. I've tried to maintain a certain degree of professionalism, which to me means keeping large portions of my personality out of it...it definitely means keeping my own insecurities and personal feelings out of it. But most of what I've kept hidden from my students is here in my blog and I'm afraid some of them won't be able to handle my "nakedness."

I suppose it comes down to the age-old question of acceptability. Am I acceptable? Am I too strange? Too honest? Too different from other people? I suppose I'll continue to struggle with this my whole life. Recognizing the problem, though, is half the battle.