I feel out of it today. Grumpy. Distant, even from myself. Felt fine this morning when I got up, but as soon as I arrived downtown to go shopping at el rastro I went into some kind of funk. Maybe it was all the people. Maybe it was paranoia about pickpockets. Maybe it was the sun, which seemed sweltering today. Maybe it was all the absolute crap they're trying to sell at exhorbitant (for a flea market) prices. I spent an hour wading through crowds and came out with several Christmas presents, but am sad because I did not find the perfect gift for my mother. Somehow am drawing a blank and don't know what to get her. Perhaps an ashtray that says "Smoke less, asshole"? Kidding. In a way it's like I'm just so excited to see her, and anything I buy her will seem cheesy and insufficient.

Then tonight I found out that my brother will not be having Christmas with us. I think this is the first Christmas in my whole life I won't be spending with him. I understand he has a life and has to work and all that, but I'm still a little sad. Surely he could convince his boss to give him a couple days off? Surely he knows I or Mom would gladly drive him back up to Portland the day after Christmas if he had to be back at work? But maybe he's just had enough of Christmas. It can be exhausting.

Also am slightly depressed that most of my friends will be out of town for New Year's. However, am very grateful to Chris for being willing to drive me up to Portland and spend New Year's with me, and Robert is interested in celebrating with us, so it's a start.

But am trying to be more positive, so now will think of some good news. Okay, yes. I continue to make some progress on the novel. I have names for the main characters and even a few ideas for scenes. My next step, besides continuing to brainstorm, will be to buy and read a couple mystery/spy novels and a couple romance novels. For research purposes, you understand. It's been a long while since I read any romance novels, and aside from this wonderfully hideous 80's bestseller my roommate's mother sent and I just read, I don't think I've ever read a spy novel. Had a couple unfortunate experiences with John Grisham audiobooks, but never actually READ one. Little did I know that Grisham's penchant for horrid similes would come in handy one day... I still remember, maybe from The Pelican Brief, "She shifted into fifth gear like a professional race car driver." (Perhaps not an exact quote but you get the idea.) The best part was that the similes appeared at fairly regular intervals in the writing, so my brother and I would anticipate the next one by calling out "like a" at the right moment. I think it ruined it a little for Mom, but we had fun with it.