Octsoberfest Week 4

Summary: 0 cigarettes smoked, 0 alcohol units drunk, 0 doses anti-smoking drugs taken, 5 cups Gypsy Cold Care tea drunk in two days, possibly back to Eating All the Things.

A very, very, VERY long time ago.

These last four weeks have stretched out for an eternity. And it's still not over yet. Who the hell gave October permission to last more than four weeks?!?

I've had two very important realizations this week.

1. I have turned a corner. This does not mean, as I expected, that I have stopped craving cigarettes every couple of hours. Rather, turning a corner has meant replacing one habit with another. Replacing the habit of smoking with the habit of not-smoking. I no longer have to remind myself that I'm not smoking. I no longer look around, wide-eyed and desperate, for something to do when the craving hits. I simply say "no" and get on with my life.

2. Being sober is a lonely business. I feel so left out when I'm not drinking. Example: there were two Halloween parties last night. I attended neither. Photos were posted to Facebook showing people in costume holding plastic cups and laughing. Sigh. That could have been me. I think I understand now that people who are quitting drinking or drugs for real are not just giving up the substance; they're giving up their whole lives. Having to reconstruct themselves entirely. I can totally see how someone in AA or NA might slip back into old habits not because they missed booze or drugs but because they were lonely and missed their friends.

If for some reason I ever needed/wanted to quit drinking for real, I'd have to spend months preparing by finding some new friends and establishing some new social habits. People who didn't routinely gather at the bar. And I'd have to reconcile myself to the idea that I'd always be the sober person at parties. I'd have to get really good at producing my own serotonin and dopamine.

I actually did used to be good at this. Way back in the day. Like, high school. I remember regularly thinking/saying that I was strange enough without drugs. Already high on life. And it was true. Drugs were never appealing to me; I was certain they'd push me over the edge into true insanity.

Is kind of sad now that I've altered my body chemistry so that I don't provide myself with natural highs anymore. And doubly sad that I am too lazy to want to try to get back there. Am just looking forward to Nov. 1 and the end of my month of sobriety.