Octsoberfest Week 1 in Review

Summary: 0 cigarettes smoked, 0 alcohol units drunk, 3 doses anti-smoking drugs taken, lots & lots of food and tea consumed, no one murdered (yet). 

Madrid, Sept. 2010. Photo by S. H. Aeschliman.

Day 1: "Quitting smoking, no drinking for a month. Let the battle begin."
Surprised that most cravings were assuaged by reminding self that I'm a non-smoker now. First day easier than expected, despite extreme irritability. Part of brain thinks this is just temporary and is waiting until The Time for Being Good is over. Drank tea, water and coffee all day long; ate more than I needed (e.g. most of a frozen pizza for lunch, quarter package Cheese-Its for a snack, etc.), especially as felt low-energy and did not get much exercise.

Day 2: "Woke up thinking about cigarettes. Is gonna be a toughie." 
Cravings stronger today. Not very irritable, mostly just feel desperate. Can feel willpower waning; starting to try to justify smoking "just one" or promising self a cig at end of the month as reward for not smoking all month...which kind of defeats the purpose. Suppose it is the bargaining stage of grief. Yesterday was denial. Resorted to drugs: took the lobelia inflata for cigarette craving. Tasted sweet & dissolved slowly, which gave mouth something to do. Took the edge off. Having sad thoughts though & feel like crying. On plus side, have more energy: took two walks instead of one. On down side: eating everything (e.g. finished box of Cheese-Its). Turns out the irritability pills (nux vomica) are also supposed to help with the desire to Eat All the Things, so will try those tomorrow.

Day 3: "Addicted part of brain is like child on long car ride: 'Can we smoke now? How 'bout now? Now? How 'bout now?'"
Took a long, strenuous walk in the morning, which felt good. Tried the nux vomica, which also tasted sweet & dissolved slowly. To what extent do these herbal remedies actually work and to what extent do they just provide a temporary distraction? I do not remember quitting smoking being this difficult last time. To be fair, last time I quit I was in grad school and very busy rather than newly un-employed self-employed and trying to drum up gigs. Also had a new boyfriend last time, and therefore plenty of good ways to occupy hands and mouth. 

Day 4: "Tea is my friend."
Notice self trying to talk self into the idea that while I may have quit smoking and am abstaining from alcohol this month, my pseudonym/alter ego made no such deal, and therefore she would be entitled to duck out for a cig and no one ever need know. Oh the lengths my mind will go to in order to justify bad behavior. Once again tempted to promise self a cig at end of month if can just get through it, which is when I realized that I often used to reward myself with a cig after I completed a task or worked for a certain amount of time. Will have to find new ways to reward self. Preferably that do not involve food.

"Day...5? How is it only day 5?!? Ate week's worth of groceries in 3 days. Gained 5 lbs. Could really use a beer and a cig."
Somehow five days has spun out into an eternity. Reasoned with self: I am an adult, not a child, and therefore free to do whatever I want, which includes having a cig if I want. Other half countered: okay, then you are free to not smoke. Damn. Somebody suggested writing a Dear John letter to cigarettes, honoring the good times but explaining that I'm moving on to other things. It certainly does feel like a break-up. 

Day 6: "The answer is still no, dammit."
Woke up feeling as though had smoked an entire pack the night before. Very unfair. If I am going to have crud-lung in the morning, I might as well have enjoyed self sinning thoroughly the night before. Now I just get the consequences without the fun. Some coughing, though not much. In the car, someone in the vehicle next to me was smoking; I inhaled deeply. 

Day 7: "One week down, 3.5 to go. Ugh." 
Dreamed I was talking on the phone to a friend and suddenly realized I was smoking a cigarette. Had not remembered lighting cigarette, nor smoking the majority of it. Was horrified that all my hard work was obliterated by a few moments of inattention. Very relieved to wake up and realize was not true. Later spent several hours trying to remember why it is I want to quit smoking & not being able to think of a single good reason. Question: if I were to have a beer and a cigarette today, would it make it easier to get through the next three and a half weeks, or would it be like "breaking the seal" and make it all the easier for me to backslide? In the end, settled for a mug of mint tea and a bowl of ice cream.