inner demons

I had less than 24 hours to make a decision about whether to get on the plane to Germany or not, and in the end I decided not. For now.

People have been asking me how I feel about the decision. Part of me is relieved that I get to be in Oregon and not separate from my friends and family again so soon. But part of me is also grieving the loss of another adventure.

I was really looking forward to some quiet time and to writing and to taking German classes, but in the end I decided it would be better to wait until I could be sure of having a place to stay that is stable and quiet and affords me some private space in which to write.

But now that I no longer have this trip planned, now that I need to get down to the business of finding a place to live and a job like everyone else, I am also wrestling a little with the inner demons that say I am not as interesting a person if I don't plan to jaunt off to other parts of the world with some regularity.

I just might have become as addicted as my Grandma to having a trip planned. If Grandma doesn't have a big trip planned for at least once a year, she is noticeably less enthusiastic about life in general. I think I can understand that traveling regularly is a way to inject some adventure and variety into one's life, as well as give one something interesting to talk about that makes other people a little jealous.

Anyway, I just gave myself a whole lot to do in the next couple of months: find a place to live, find a job (will be temping for at least a little while obviously), figure out what to use my airline credit on (have to fly before April 13, one year from the original reservation date), and most importantly create time and space for myself to write.