RE: "The Wingman's guide to sucking cock"

A couple days ago I Twitter-stumbled across this head-spinning blog post by "Wingman" on the proper way to give a blow job. I should have known what I was in for from the first paragraph, wherein he suggests that a man telling a woman "you're such a whore" is "the ultimate compliment." But what really got my attention was the line: "Sucking dick without swallowing is like taking your dog for a walk and not picking up its shit."

Before I launch into my critique, let me just say this: given my unfavorable reaction to this blog post, I considered not responding. I considered the fact that doing so would undoubtedly result in driving traffic to his site, which is a kind of support. I could have simply shrugged my shoulders--saying to myself, "Well, he has a right to self-expression"-- and vowed never to read another word from this man again.

But the fact is that his post reinforces some cultural messaging that I find to be particularly damaging, and if people don't speak up against messages like this, then the damaging ones are the only messages out there, and that's not okay with me. So I offer a different perspective for your consideration.

Let's leave aside Wingman's fallacious assumption that only women give blow jobs ("Anyway, ladies, follow these rules and no matter how much disdain a guy may have for you, he’ll think of you every time he blows his load"--or does he just assume that men already know how to give great ones?), and let's assume, for the sake of argument, that he doesn't mean for us to take his charming metaphor literally: that he doesn't mean to equate himself with a dog; his semen with dog shit; and another human being's mouth, throat and stomach with a plastic baggie made for the express purpose of receiving his sexual by-product. Instead let's discuss the gist of this metaphor, which is a sense of personal responsibility.

People pick up their dogs' feces because they feel a sense of responsibility or duty; it is the act of a considerate citizen. They also pick it up because their dogs lack opposable thumbs and the ability to understand why it might be unsafe or inconsiderate to leave their refuse lying around, where a small child could very well discover it and make it their next play thing. In other words, I pick up my dog's shit because I don't want my neighbors to step in it by accident, and I haven't had any luck training him to pick it up himself. (And no, I don't want to train him to eat it. Ew.)

Most men, on the other hand, do have opposable thumbs and the skills necessary to dispose of their own semen.

Some people like to swallow, and others don't. It's one thing to state a preference and another to suggest it's someone's responsibility to perform a sex act they don't want to perform simply because it is your preference.

It's not a woman's responsibility to have sex with a man just because he bought her dinner or got a boner. It's not a woman's responsibility to to give a man a blow job, even if he went down on her first. If a woman does give a man a blow job, it's not her responsibility to swallow his semen. And once sex is initiated, it's not a woman's responsibility to continue having sex until her partner has climaxed. She's allowed to change her mind, and if her partner doesn't respect that and leave off, that's called rape.

There is a kind of violence in trying to guilt or coerce someone into believing that if they don't swallow during oral sex they are somehow not fulfilling a responsibility or that they are not being considerate. There is a kind of violence in trying to legislate a cultural norm that involves someone performing a sex act they don't want to perform just because the other person wants it. It's the same kind of manipulative logic of the stereotypical high school boyfriend saying to his girlfriend, "If you loved me, you'd have sex with me." If he loved her, he wouldn't try to coerce her into having sex with him. And if Wingman respected women, he wouldn't try to convince them that they've haven't been raised right if they refuse to swallow semen.

Lest I fall into a trap of my own making and be accused of trying to legislate my own cultural norm, I will not insist that all people everywhere should refuse to engage in sex acts with people who don't respect them as human beings. Instead, I will say that I will not do so, and I support others who also feel called to stand firm against this kind of head-fuckery.