Lately I've been feeling pretty sad and lonely. And, paradoxically, my instinct is to withdraw rather than reach out.

For example, my roommies invited me to go out for a beer with them tonight in the 'hood, but I said no. I just don't feel like it. They're all happy and giggly, and I just don't have the energy to be like that. I feel like I'd only bring them down.

Plus, I've decided to swear off alcohol completely until Mom gets here.

Anyway that's why I haven't been writing. Because I'm in withdrawal mode and because I don't have anything to say. But thought I'd at least say that so that people don't think I'm dead or something.

P.S. Thanks to all the people who offered to let me stay with them, my dream of couch hopping this summer will become a reality. =*) Am very much looking forward to seeing you all. Hugs.

entertaining a thought

I'm entertaining the idea of couch hopping for the couple of months that I'm home. Obviously the main advantage would be not having to pay rent. A result of that would be that I wouldn't have to work as much while I'm home and I could spend more time with friends and family.

But right now I don't know if it's feasible. If you're a friend or family member who wouldn't mind my freeloading for a brief stint this summer, please let me know. And also let me know how long I'd be welcome (1 night? 3 nights? a week?).

experiences

Highly recommended food experience: a whole grain roll, cut in half, each half topped with herbed cream cheese, swiss cheese and a slice of fresh tomato. Eaten as an open-faced sandwich for breakfast, lunch or snack. Craig introduced me to this food combo when I stayed with him in Munich, and I just had it again for lunch and it was WONDERFUL.

There's another experience I wanted to share with you, a moment in Oporto when life itself seemed a metaphor.

It happened on Saturday when Leslie and I were roaming around the south bank of the river and trying to find a way up the cliff to the top part of the Eiffel bridge. We were walking west on a road that curved up the mountain; to the left was uphill and to the right downhill.

I heard a noise like metal clanking on metal and looked down over the guardrail. I saw a seagull trapped in a narrow space between the back of a little building and the retaining wall that the road was built on. The gap was just wide enough to admit the bird, but not wide enough to let it spread its wings.

The bird was pacing back and forth along the gap, tripping over cans and bottles and whatever else had found its way down into the gap. The walls on either side were too high for the bird to jump up on, and since it couldn't spread its wings it couldn't fly out either. The seagull was trapped.

Our hearts went out to it, but after some examination of the situation we discovered that there was no way we could help it. The gap was closed off by a shed on one end and by a metal wall on the other. There was no one around to talk to, no gate we could open, nothing we could lower to the bird, not even any food to throw to it. There was nothing we could do ourselves and no one whose aid we could enlist.

Whether through stupidity or bad luck, the bird had fallen into a trap, and it was doomed to pace back and forth in its grave until it died of thirst, hunger, cold or exhaustion.

It's a hard thing to accept...to see a creature in a pitiful situation and want to help but be powerless. It reminded me of someone I knew years ago who was not emotionally healthy. I wanted to help her, but the more I tried to help the worse it got. Rather than helping her, I was just entangling myself in a sick power game.

Eventually what I realized was that there was nothing I could do that would truly help the person. She had to decide to help herself. In the meantime, the most I could do was to distance myself from the situation and stop being her friend. She was really angry with me for making that decision, which I understood, but I believe it was the right decision.

The seagull is a little different in that it was clearly trying to help itself: it was looking for a way out and every so often it tried to jump up and find purchase on the pipes running along the wall. But the fact remains that it was stuck and we couldn't help. It seemed a commentary on fate itself: fate is unavoidable, sometimes cruel and seemingly senseless.

oporto

Impressions of Oporto:

Cute boy at the airport tourist information booth with short brown hair, green eyes, blue wide-striped sweater. I asked for a map and bought 2 metro tickets, thanked him for the change and began to walk away. He had to call me back because I'd forgotten to wait for the tickets. I was embarrassed, but glad to extend my interaction with him for a few more minutes.

On the metro (clean, new, small) into the city, we passed by greenery--little gardens, grape and morning glory vines, trees and shrubs of all kinds--and brightly painted and tiled houses.

The people looked just like Spaniards, but in my estimation they were much more willing to speak English (or French or Spanish) and to offer a smile as a sign of friendliness. Leslie disagreed with me about the smiling because she doesn't think that madrileños don't smile at strangers. The people of Oporto also took their time to explain things to us, e.g. the menus.

The buildings were mostly 3- and 4-storey affairs made of stone and plaster, some faced with colored tiles, topped with red tile roofs. No brick buildings, which was a very welcome change from Madrid. Wrought iron gates and handrails painted in bright colors. Some rusty corrugated metal siding on the buildings. Building colors tend toward green, red, light blue, yellow and natural grey.

Sometimes the breeze next to the river smelled slightly salty, and once it smelled like rotting seafood.

In general I thought Oporto very pretty. Even the run-down and dilapidated parts. It was a wonderful place to vacation, but I wouldn't live there. I'd have the same problem knowing what to do with myself as I have in Madrid. The city was too relaxed, too happy to do nothing all day. There was no forward-moving energy, just a contented stagnancy.

The Oporto airport rocked. On top of being new and pleasant to look at, they had foozball(sp?) over by the vending machines and free Internet access all around the airport. Also, there was a kick-ass sign in the bathroom that told you not to throw, among other things, needles, t-shirts, underwear or shoes in the toilet. Fantastic.

To see the rest of my photos from Oporto, click on the title of this blog entry or copy and paste this link: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=40408&l=e0593&id=595126014

off to Portugal

Just a quick note to let you all know that I'm staying at Leslie's tonight and we catch a flight to Portugal tomorrow morning, so I won't be emailing or blogging until I get back on Sunday afternoon.

Realization of the day: when I feel confident about myself I tend to feel better about other people too. Amazing!

Have an amazing weekend, everyone! Besos.

Would you think it strange if I told you that one of my advanced students calls me "darling" and sometimes blows kisses to me as he's leaving work?

And that today in my Elementary class we almost fell off our chairs laughing because one of the students pretended that his hands were two mouths kissing and another pretended to brush his armpit hair?

Or if I told you I'd been invited by one of my fellow teachers to watch him and a bunch of other men participate in half-naked, sweaty grappling?

Or that another of my students and I have bonded over our love of science fiction and specifically of Battlestar Galactica? Every Monday we geek our during the break about what happened in the latest BSG episode.

How about the fact that I took my private student, a 17 year old high school student, clothes shopping at the mall on Saturday and that I've taken to calling her mother my tía (aunt), my student and her sister my primas (cousins), and their grandmothers my abuelas. Does that seem strange to you?

Perhaps these things are a bit unusual, but they are the proofs of connection that I value most.

Happy Mother's Day

To all the moms out there: Happy Mother's Day!

And to my mom especially: You rock! I'm so looking forward to traveling with you next month!

And to my grandmother: Thanks for raising four awesome children, including my amazing mother!

Realization of the day: I'm a much happier person when I get to sleep in and don't have to be anywhere until 3:30 in the afternoon. Also more productive.

Ah! It's going to be so hard to go back to a Monday through Friday 8-5pm schedule this summer!

Yet another good reason to sell my novel and become a professional writer.

Munich room secured

Found a room in Munich. Hooray! Glad to not have to worry about that for the rest of the summer.

The room is not in the best of locations--it's about 20 min. south of city center--but the price is right (€350 all utilities included with the option of paying an extra €50/mo. for groceries. SWEET!) and the woman who owns the house seems sane and friendly in her emails.

The woman's name is Mbula. She's Kenyan, her husband is German, and they have two kids, both of whom were born in China. They speak English, German and Chinese.

The room I'm taking is in the basement, and it's big enough to fit a bed, a wardrobe and a couch. I'll have a bathroom all to myself (though it's also the laundry room).

Most exciting part: THEY HAVE A CLOTHES DRYER! YES YES YES YESSSS!!!

She says they don't have Internet right now but they plan to get wireless. I'm not holding my breath that it'll happen, but if it does it would be nice.

She also said that the area they live in is great if you like nature, which I do. There are trees and trails, a big public park within walking distance and a lake within biking distance.

The plan is to live with this family for September and October and then once I have my work situation nailed down I can look for shared housing, probably with students, in the city center.

Hooray! I have a place to live in Munich!

today's accomplishments

Sent lots of emails & Facebook messages
Listened to music
Chatted for several hours with friends on Skype and Facebook
Washed some dishes
Watched most of an episode of The Twilight Zone
Watched three episodes of La Femme Nikita (and many more to come)
Posted on personal blog (as of now)

Ate: 2 pieces pan duro with cream cheese
Peanut butter & jelly on whole wheat toast
3/4 box macaroni & cheese
three chocolate covered donuts
1/2 canister of original Pringles

Drank: two mugs of tea
one bottle orange juice
one can Fanta orange
glass of water (in near future)

Foot actually does feel a little better after not using it all day, though it's still a little touchy. Plan to work on the novel a bit before I go to sleep tonight. La Femme Nikita is research...